young & beautiful
by Jessica L. Pearson
Summary: They keep trying over and over again but it doesn't seem to be something that is happening for them; will you still love me when i got nothing but my aching soul?
1. 0, prologue

**young & beautiful (lana del rey); harvey/donna; pg-13; 1,157 words;**

**0, prologue**

**_will you still love me when i got nothing but my aching soul?_**

* * *

Three minutes, that's all it takes; one hundred eighty seconds, and they tick away so much more slowly than she can remember. She can't tell if time stops or just slows down, but she's pretty sure that she can hear her watch in the silence of the room. She isn't even sure that she's breathing anymore. Maybe this isn't even real. Maybe she's just dreaming.

And so what? What if she is pregnant? Would it be the worst thing? A miniature being that is a perfect mixture of her and Harvey, the good and the bad balancing one another out. Would it be so bad to have a little girl with red hair and a grin like Harvey's, a baby who is the most beautiful thing she's ever seen?

If the pregnancy test does reflect positive it would mean a whole world of milestones as her and Harvey guide a little person through the world before they release him or her into it. They would be parents. They would have more responsibilities than just ones to themselves. Sure, there would be a lot of nights where their life feels like hell because it wouldn't stop screaming but it would ultimately be a great reward.

They could have a little girl who liked ballet and the theater and the Broadway productions, but she's kidding herself if she thinks their child won't play baseball. Harvey would take her to the batting cages and show her how to perfectly swing a bat, and he would spend Saturdays in the park teaching her how to throw the ball so hard that it would hurt someone's hand to catch it through the glove. Harvey would be the dad that he had growing up and she would be the mom that she had because thank god they are a reflection of their parents, thank god for that because if Harvey is anything like Gordon then their child will be damn lucky and she will be so fucking proud.

And the first time their child laughs it will immediately become Harvey's favorite song, which no one would ever know except for her, and it will be something she never gets tired of hearing. The sound will be something that she longs to hear, much like when she hears Harvey's and no matter if they have a son or daughter the laughter will be identical. For moments she will have to listen just to distinguish whether it is Harvey's or their child's.

There will be many milestones, some which they could prepare for but many that they couldn't no matter how hard they tried. Like her first steps. They would both be excited and they couldn't wait but the reality is that one (or both) of them would probably miss it. She'd probably be advanced and she'd take her first steps much sooner than either expect. She'd make little mistakes that neither of them could get mad about and Harvey would surprise her in the way that he's taken by their daughter. He would leave work early or he'd stay up late just to watch the perfect little mixture of them; he would look at their daughter in a way that she's never seen him look at anyone before.

Their daughter would bring out a lightness in him, in them, that would give them the desire to take vacations or go to Disney World or something spectacularly outside of the realm of things they've done or ever thought of doing before. She'd cry if their daughter's first words aren't "momma" but she's already becoming resigned to the fact that they will probably be "dadda" because their daughter will be a daddy's girl and she will have him wrapped around her finger. The tears that fall will be salty as she is enamored with the way that he chokes back a sob, always maintaining his composure because despite his distrust for women, one (two) have turned his life upside down.

Harvey will be like the father that he'd had and he will aspire to be everything that Gordon Specter was, silently trusting her to be everything that his mother wasn't. And she will be everything that his mother wasn't because she will be like her mom; well, hopefully not just like her mom because her mother drives her crazy and is overwhelming and the only thing she could do to get some breathing room is to move away from Cortland but the point is that she will not be anything like Harvey's mom. She will never say this because these are the things that give him room to pause and make him fret, but they are just as they have always been - better with the unsaid than with that which has been put in the air between them.

Their daughter will be a lawyer or a doctor or an actress or a ballerina, it doesn't matter because Donna knows that she can do whatever she wants and she will be phenomenal at all. Donna knows that Harvey will be overprotective and unfamiliar with the role but he will find his way just as she will find her own. She knows that it isn't just about Harvey, that it's about her too. She knows that everything will work itself out and if they have a son then it will be just as well.

No, their daughter or son will change everything about them. Even though they are comfortable in their new life together, they are still growing accustomed to each other, they are probably not ready for this - they could be. Maybe they could be. They could be happy and they could make it work.

She releases a breath in an attempt to steady her nerves. In just a few moments she will know whether they are going to have a child or not and she's already come to the conclusion that having a baby wouldn't be so bad. All it would take is telling Harvey and he wouldn't leave her now, would he? After all of the time and work they've put into their relationship, he wouldn't just give up because Harvey Reginald Specter doesn't quit.

She steadies herself, her fingertips stilling against the bathroom counter so she can check her watch. She's seconds away from discovering what her future entails and she fears that the engagement ring on her finger won't be enough for them to figure this out. But she knows Harvey and she knows that he won't walk away, not from his child. He might walk away from her - she wasn't prepared for this. If she is pregnant, what if he leaves her? What if the baby that she didn't know she wanted until this moment is enough to make her be alone?

She pretends that her eyes don't fill with tears of sadness for the loss of something she'd never had when she looks at the test: _not pregnant_.


	2. 1, chapter 1

**young & beautiful (lana del rey); harvey/donna; pg-13; 2,311 words;**

**1, all that can be**

**_will you still love me when i got nothing but my aching soul?_**

* * *

She doesn't mean to be so on edge. She should be relieved knowing that she isn't pregnant. It took her a week to even bother checking, after her masterful art of avoidance and convincing herself that she was sure it was nothing. Turns out she was right anyway, but she's incapable of really doing anything without thinking about the possibilities. It will pass, she knows it will pass, but what if it doesn't?

She absently spins the silver engagement ring around the base of her finger as though her hand still isn't yet used to it being there. She supposes that it isn't really yet even though they both knew it was inevitable once they really began, but nothing could have really prepared her in becoming accustomed with him. He surrounds her in an overwhelming way and they have to work so much harder because even though they are compatible in every way, everything makes them bump heads and there's no escaping it.

The days when they can hardly stand to be around one another come few and far between, increasingly becoming a rarity as the days pass by. It isn't that he's less infuriating or that she gets under his skin less than she always has, it's that they're figuring their way through blurred lines that they'd never really properly defined anyway and deciding how to make things work. Keyword being _work_ and more specifically everything between them no longer revolves around it. So, surely her ring is a distraction and her fiancee is as he's always been but they're finding their groove all on their own. That Aesop fable always said that slow and steady wins the race and who are they to pretend like that doesn't apply to them as well?

But she can feel the ache in her empty womb like she's lost something that she'd never had when really it was all just a three minute idea about a future that they haven't really discussed. Everything that's real between them, every conversation that they've ever had regarding their future (and also their past and present for that matter), typically starts as a joke before it's a reality. In fact, his rather non-traditional proposal was something she'd first thought was a joke because if they are honest, the idea of commitment scares the shit out of both of them.

But as she looks at her silver engagement ring, diamond sparkling in the light from the kitchen as the refrigerator hums rhythmically offbeat from the jingle sneaking out of the speakers thanks to some cheesy ad for pet food, or so she thinks - she really can't be too sure - she doesn't feel so fearful about the possibilities of their future anymore. The future that they are rapidly being propelled towards is one that she's already wrapped her head around with the idea of a child that is a perfectly poised concoction of her genetic chromosomes and Harvey's is one that she is almost afraid to live without. The biggest problem is that just because she's attached to an idea doesn't mean that Harvey will be.

The second biggest problem is that the moment he steps out of that elevator he will know that something has been running through her mind at full speed. He can read her just as easily as she can read him and he's always been able to; he's just, simply put, far more vocal about it now than he used to be since they've broken down those walls, switched their roles, bent the rules, blurred the lines. No, he's no longer playful and suggestive and doesn't proceed to pretend that things weren't said the next day because he is the Harvey will her which she'd always known existed. He doesn't immediately view his feelings for her as a weakness but feels empowered by them. His empowerment has given them intimacy and a future that she hopes he can't live without.

This suddenly intense need to have a child (when, if she's honest, it's probably always been there but she's just never embraced it) is not something she thinks he will allow her to keep to herself. He presses on every inch of her nerves both physically and emotionally until she gives more of herself back to him than she intended. Maybe that's an ability that he's always had, he just never utilized until he knew they both wouldn't walk away more hurt than they started. Maybe she was right all along to put her full heart in his hands.

But the moment he steps off the elevator his smile fades from his mouth upon seeing her and she realizes that she must have her worry written all over her face. She doesn't usually leave the office before him, but she didn't have it in her to wait around for him once being slammed with the realization shortly after lunch that she was late by more than enough time to make her insides twist and turn. She swallows in an attempt to steady herself, desperate to make whatever look on her face disappear before he can entirely catch on.

She knows it's too late when his eyes narrow at her and his head slightly tilts in a silent attempt to get her to tell him without asking. He shrugs off his jacket, eyes still on her, and drapes it over the back of the couch. She isn't going to budge. She can't tell him - the results have a zero percent chance of being good.

"You keep doing that, you're going to lose it," he warns, the slightest hint of teasing in his voice. She doesn't refute but her silence says it all. He sighs and drops his fingertips to her shoulder. "You going to tell me what's wrong or are you going to make me guess?"

She huffs into the deep bellows of her throat, "it's stupid."

He lightly shakes his head and retracts his hand from her shoulder, "you don't get that look over something that's stupid." He loosens his tie and, as the dull ache in her chest beats against her rib cage, sits beside her on the couch. She can feel the heat radiate off of his body even though he isn't touching her, his presence both comforting and distressing at the same time.

"Harvey," she counters gently, warning. His eyebrows immediately furrow at her tone and she sees him pre-preemptively reach over to touch her knee out of the corner of her eye. She uncrosses her legs and pushes herself to her feet within seconds. Her knee collides with his hand and she loses her balance so she has to steady herself on the back of the couch just beyond his head. His fingers press against her stomach to help brace her and her body automatically recoils; she releases a breath, "don't."

"Are you okay?" He asks, confusion dripping in his tone.

She teeters on her heels and pushes her hair out of her face, "I'm fine."

"You're not fine," he insists. She steps away from him and before she can even blink he's filled the space where she was. She trembles, fingertips shaking as the silence she forces on them is deafening. "In all of the years I've known you, you've never recoiled when I've touched you. Not even that first time after, you know, _the other time_."

"We don't talk about the other time," she reminds him.

"We could. We just didn't talk about it because of the feelings it might bring up and clearly that isn't an issue anymore. It's a non-issue," he replies decidedly, "but that isn't the point. The point is that you're not fine and you're not telling me what's wrong. For someone who's quick to accuse me of keeping secrets from you, you're sure not talking."

"First of all, I haven't accused you of that since before we got together," she reminds him, "and second, there is no secret, Harvey."

"Then why are you walking away from me?" He asks, voice laced with disbelief. She can feel him in the space behind her and her mouth becomes dry, but he's serious. When neither of them try to spin something into a joke they both know it's serious, and neither of them are laughing any time soon - especially if she tells him. The heels of her shoes click against the wood of the floor and it's deafening in the silence she's creating between them. "One thing I know is that when you say it's _stupid_ or that you're _fine_ like that, that it's really huge and you just don't want me to panic."

"Harvey-"

"Donna," he interjects without hesitation, "don't bullshit me. We decided that we were going to work because we decided to be honest about everything."

She stops millimeters away from the island counter and leans against it for support, "okay, but you have to promise not to panic. Hear me out."

"Okay," he replies slowly, eyebrows furrowing.

"I took a pregnancy test," she starts.

The silence lulls for too long and he takes a half step toward her, fingers clutching his sleeves, "so you're pregnant?"

"No," she admits. Her eyes blur with tears for an unexpected reason upon admitting it, like she's mourning the loss of something. What right does she have to cry? She was never even pregnant in the first place. "I thought that maybe I was and I couldn't stop thinking about what if."

"If you're not pregnant then what's wrong?" He's pressing and everything inside of her is moments away from oozing out. "I'm not following."

She releases a shaky breath and his eyes watch her more intensely, like he's preparing himself for whatever she may say. A small, apologetic smile tugs at the corners of her mouth like she's trying to reassure him (or herself) but she's fairly certain that it doesn't do what she wants it to. Her arms hang at her sides, her hands balled up like she has something to hold onto.

"Because I'm sad," she says. A tear slips out and it takes less time than it does for to inhale a breath to steady herself before he's closed the space between them and swiping his thumb over her skin. It tickles in a serene, comforting way.

His voice shakes at the sight of her tears, "why are you sad?"

"I want a baby," she finally says. She takes in a deep breath before she lifts her eyes to his like she expects him to be upset, to want to run at her admission. He tilts his head, his eyes still trained on her with that look that he gets when he wants to know the answers but can't decide on the questions to ask. "I know what you're thinking. You think that I'm crazy and it's too soon. We just moved in together. We just got engaged. Where would a baby fit in our life? But if we keep waiting for the right time, there might never be one."

"I'm not entirely following," he mutters.

"We're not married yet and we're still trying to find our footing," she starts. He takes a half step back and she feels her insides turn because he's fleeing. She doesn't know what she expected but she's already said enough to destroy them. In the space where he was she aches, already used to him. She supposes that they've really been building to it, to everything that they have or more that they could have. "I know it's stupid. I told you it's stupid, but I want us to have a baby, Harvey."

"Right now?" He asks, eyebrows furrowing in confusion as he braces himself against the sofa. He nearly collapses into a seated position, the quiet _umphf_ vibrating off of the walls. A tear pricks at the corner of her eye and she doesn't know when she got so emotional over this but she can't get it together, can't find her voice, so she just nods. "What if we do? What if we don't get married? What if we can't stay together?"

"Honey," she starts, swallowing as the word catches in her throat, "you're my best friend and there isn't anyone in this world that I'd rather have a baby with."

She watches a small smile tug at the corner of his mouth, his back straight as he lifts his eyes to hers, "this is something that you want?"

"A baby? Your baby?" She asks, voice wavering. She releases a shaky breath and she can see on his face the way that he nearly pushes himself back to his feet. She's afraid that the distance between them is telling, that it says more than either of them ever could. She musters up everything inside of her and crosses the room, her fingertips lightly touching his shoulder as she attempts to find her voice - "yeah, this is what I want."

"I love you, Donna, but a baby will change our lives," he reasons.

"I know you and I know that you don't do anything without entirely thinking it through," she agrees, "so if this is something you need to think about then take all the time you need."

He sighs and she can't tell if it's annoyance or if it's something different, "I don't need to think about it."

"Okay," she replies.

"I'm not saying no," he counters, lifting his gaze to hers. He offers her a slightly reassuring smile but her nerves are still bouncing. She can't get them under control and it takes everything in her to let him finish saying whatever he has to say. "I want to have a family with you. I didn't expect it to be so soon but I'm going to marry you and there's no doubt in my mind about that. Let's have a baby."


	3. 2, chapter 2

**young & beautiful (lana del rey); harvey/donna; pg-13; 1,125 words;**

**2, chapter 2**

**_will you still love me when i got nothing but my aching soul?_**

* * *

"Are you sure this is something you want to do?" She asks, again, while flossing her teeth. He's tapping away at the keys of his laptop and the tv is a low hum in the background, the noise becoming a familiar annoyance. She's learned that she adapts to things a lot easier both professionally and personally than he does. She peeks around the corner to see if he's even paying attention but when his eyes don't meet hers she stops flossing. "Babe?"

"I'm listening," he replies.

She laughs gently, "you're not."

"You're asking me for the tenth time tonight if I'm sure that I want to try having a baby and if I didn't know any better then I would say you want me to change my mind to give you an out," he counters with a smirk. He finally looks up from the computer screen and closes the laptop, setting it on the nightstand. Before she can open her mouth, he lifts his hand and quirks an eyebrow. "Why do you think I'm going to change my mind?"

"Because you didn't spend much time thinking about it. Because we've never really talked about it," she admits with a shrug like it doesn't matter anyway.

"But it's important to you, to us," he corrects, "but we can talk about it now."

"Now we can talk about it? Now that we've decided to have one?" She teases.

"Well, to be fair, we haven't really started trying. You still have time to change your mind," he reasons. He flashes her a smile as she tosses her used floss into the trashcan. She turns off the bathroom light and crosses the bedroom to the side of the bed that's free. "Can you stop wearing my shirts to bed? They're expensive and you're making them wrinkle."

"Quit being such a girl. And why do you keep implying that I'm going to change my mind when I'm the one who expressed my desire so vocally?"

He tilts his head in challenge, "maybe because you had a pregnancy scare and it made you think about the future. There's no harm in you deciding now that maybe you were just all girly and hormonal."

"Are you telling me that you've never had a pregnancy scare before?"

"I know how to take the time to use protection," he counters.

Her eyebrows pop up on her forehead and she eyes him, "obviously not."

His lips purse to indicate just how much he isn't amused by her rebuttal and she notes the way he's nearly rolling his eyes at her. She watches his face light up almost instantly as a smirk slides across his mouth. She's almost afraid to hear whatever he has to say.

"So, this isn't your first pregnancy scare?"

"I don't know, honey, I'm fairly irresistible," she says.

He laughs gently, "agreed but that doesn't mean we have to make a rash decision."

"So having a baby isn't still on the table?"

"Honey, it is. If that's what you want. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that have to pop out a baby now that we're getting married. It's your body and it's ultimately your choice. But I need you to understand that I need you at work. You're an important instrument to everything that we do in the firm and I'm not sure I know how to do it without you," he says, jaw slacked as his eyes soften. He offers her a small smile as she turns off the light on the nightstand. Her cold foot touches his calf and makes him scowl in the new found darkness that his eyes haven't adjusted to. He releases a breath, "I need you."

"I know," she acknowledges. He can hear the smile in her voice and he knows that even after all this time these are the things that still make her smile. She appreciates his validation even though it isn't necessary, their unspoken words something that still carries over from the professional relationship they built so many years ago. "You wouldn't last a week without me."

"I'm not even going to pretend to try," he replies.

He rolls onto his side with his back to her out of habit, his body sinking into the dip in the middle of the bed. She kicks him throughout most of the night and he's pretty sure it's because he sleeps in the middle of the bed, still not quite used to her presence in his sleep. Before she moved in, she would tease him saying that they were never going to share a bed if he didn't learn how to share but she'd never asked him to change and she just adapted around it. He thinks that's probably one of the things that makes them work, because she's never asked more of him than he is willing to give, but he gets why she'd be so afraid to tell him that she wants a baby with him when all of the changes he's made have been subtle.

He feels her press against him and he thinks that it's definitely better than the cold comfort he used to feel, surrounded by the chill of the city. Her warmth is comforting, especially after spending so many years alone and he's become accustomed to her over the last 6 months they've been together, even more so within the last month they've lived together. Much to his surprise, he doesn't want to run and the prospect of their life together only makes him like her being there so much more. Every time that he's looked at her since she mentioned a baby he gets a vision of the life they could have.

Her fingers tap against his stomach as she wraps her arm around his waist and her hair tickles his neck when she leans closer. Her breath trickles over his ear, surrounds him as her lips brush over his earlobe. He smirks a little, the energy inside of him vibrating in his fingertips.

"You want to make a baby?"

He rolls onto his shoulder blade, resting his back against the bed as he glances back at her, "are you propositioning me?"

"Maybe," she replies nonchalantly.

"When did you get so needy?" He teases. She narrows her gaze at him, her eyes pierce through him even the darkness. He squeezes his hand between them and tugs on her, her mouth tugging upward at the corners. He grins, "you sure you want a baby that's part me?"

"I've never tried to change you," she points out.

His fingers push into her hair, "but I wanted to change for you anyway."

"Lucky me," she comments; he leans up and presses his lips to hers as a way of words.


	4. 3, chapter 3

**young & beautiful (lana del rey); harvey/donna; pg; 1,074 words;**

**3, chapter 3**

**_will you still love me when i got nothing but my aching soul?_**

* * *

Harvey thinks about it for a long time. He doesn't change his mind, he just starts thinking about the aspects of his life that he's never bothered to think about before. He'd considered that asking Donna to marry him would imply a future, but it was a future that they had never really discussed. He doesn't know how many kids Donna wants or what she pictures their life would be like, but he does know that he doesn't do anything without being certain.

His certainty wasn't gradual, really, it was mostly something that had always been instilled into him. He'd always known that Donna was the woman that he trusted with his everything, that no matter who he ended up with in the long run they would never compare to her. Over time, he was relieved that when he asked her to marry him she said yes because it meant that he wouldn't enter into a marriage that ultimately ended in divorce. Whoever he married would have ended up jealous of the way that he and Donna communicate, they wouldn't like it and would ultimately try to come in between them. He's fairly certain that their trust and loyalty trumps any kind of love that he could have ever had with anyone but her.

The things that he thinks about long and hard pertain to her, everything she's given him. She's given him a sense of stability, of family and the prospects of the future. He appreciates her for that more than he can ever express and he will always love her unconditionally, but that doesn't keep him from wondering if they are ready for a baby. He knows that he wants one, but he isn't sure about his abilities to be a father.

He's caught himself many times over the last week beginning to divulge his concerns to Mike before he reminding himself that Donna is always listening. He knows that he should talk to her about everything, that she'd listen and they would probably come to some kind of understanding, but the topic is so new and sensitive that he doesn't know how to. He's always told Donna everything but Harvey kind of suspects that her sudden urge to have a baby is just her biological clock ticking and he's not enough of an idiot to throw her an accusation like that.

That's why he's waiting by the hot dog vendor for his wayward associate to arrive. Harvey sent Mike to court by himself because there are a few things that he knows - Mike Ross gets anxious when Harvey is in the court room with him and Mike Ross doesn't know how to be on time. Harvey checks his watch for approximately the fifth time in two minutes, a groan catching in his throat because Mike is 38 seconds late. He should cut the kid some slack, he knows, especially since his urgency isn't a work thing but he's on edge.

Harvey gets impatient and orders a hot dog from the cart, not as good as the one across from the coffee cart guy. Just as he's being handed the slightly cold and bland food, Mike walks up. He walks like he's always in a hurry but he's always late - there's something about Mike that Harvey finds to be a constant contradictory, making mistakes that don't resemble any kind of sense, makes Harvey roll his eyes. Yet, he keeps his impatience in check, giving Mike chance after chance like it's something he deserves (on the terms of loyalty, Harvey has seen improvement so there's that).

"You're late," Harvey snaps.

"What?" Mike asks, tie blowing in the wind as he checks his watch. Harvey doesn't think it registers. "I just got out of court."

"You win?" Harvey takes a bite of the hot dog and makes a face at the taste.

"I-" Mike starts but trails off.

Harvey stops talking and gives Mike an incredulous look as he tosses the remainder of his hotdog in the trash, "you didn't win?"

"We went to recess," Mike counters.

Harvey rolls his eyes, "I thought you said you _had it in the bag_."

"Opposing council is savvy," Mike retorts with a shrug.

"Look, I didn't tell you to meet me here to discuss your ability or _inability_," Harvey corrects dramatically, "I need to talk to you."

Mike's face reveals concern when Harvey stops walking and talking to turn and face him, "what is it?"

"Don't panic," Harvey replies automatically; the phrase makes him laugh a little given the irony that he's the one panicking, "it has nothing to do with you."

"Okay," Mike says slowly.

Harvey says, lets his eyes wander to the moving city around them because he doesn't think he can handle eye contact with a conversation like this, "Donna wants a baby and I want to give her one, but what if we're not ready?"

Mike's eyebrows furrow, "what did Donna say?"

"Are you kidding? I can't talk to Donna about this," Harvey retorts.

"You talk to Donna about everything," Mike reasons.

"She'll think I don't want one with her and then none of us will hear the end of it."

"What's the problem?"

Harvey turns on his heel and starts heading in the direction of the office. Mike rushes to catch up. Harvey drops his hands into his pockets, "Donna thought she was pregnant. When she found out she wasn't, it nearly broke her heart and it would make her so happy to have one. But I'm concerned that it has something to do with her biological clock."

"What if you wait too long and miss your chance?"

Harvey lifts an eyebrow, "the problem isn't with her. She'd make a great mom. Hell, she's been raising me for over a decade, but I don't think I can be a dad."

"You can be a dad," Mike replies convincingly, "you'd be a good dad, too. I mean, think about what your dad was like."

"Yeah," Harvey replies dismissively.

Harvey refuses to delve any further into the conversation with Mike than he already has, but if he's anything like his father then he'll end up with a great kid. He glances at Mike as he opens the door to their office building, the slightest hints of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. One day he'll tell Mike just how much he values him.

Today is not quite that day.


End file.
